Week 4 arrived carrying missed deadlines, perfect brothers, fantasy-football curses and enough melted cheese to overthrow a mythical beast.

It began Thursday night, when Cleveland hosted Pittsburgh.

Ommegang and ShakeNBake approached the Thursday deadline with the same urgency normally reserved for updating an expired vehicle registration.

Neither made a pick.

The Browns won 27–24 on a 56-yard field goal with ten seconds remaining. Aaron Rodgers was intercepted twice and sacked five times, while Hamburquesos, Grizzly Bears, MyCouch and Reese’s Picks earned the rare distinction of both remembering that Thursday existed and selecting the correct team.

Then came Buffalo and New England.

Nobody picked the Patriots. Not one Warrior Poet looked at New England and thought, “Yes, that seems wise.”

Naturally, Drake Maye threw for 269 yards and three touchdowns, New England produced a season-high 405 yards and the Patriots stunned Buffalo 29–26.

Thirteen teams. One shared Buffalo Strong opinion. Completely wrong.

For one beautiful Sunday afternoon, the Warrior Poets achieved perfect unity through collective failure.

Fortunately, Baltimore restored our faith in ourselves.

Every single team correctly selected the Ravens over Tennessee. No rebels. No visionaries. No one wandering into the wilderness looking for an upset that wasn’t there.

Baltimore won 24–18 and the entire league briefly resembled a collection of competent adults.

Carolina’s victory over Detroit was a much lonelier affair.

Only Hamburquesos and Mike D believed in the Panthers.

Mike continued his journey from Week 1’s handicrapped two-pick performance into the league’s resident dumpster-diving upset specialist. Adam, meanwhile, quietly added another correct pick to what was becoming a deeply concerning afternoon for everyone above him in the standings.

LtSuessIsLoose finished with 11 correct picks and now sits only one point away from first place overall.

We should probably congratulate James. But should we actually talk about how successful he has been?

Will saying it aloud summon the same dark forces that have repeatedly dragged his fantasy teams into the abyss?

Pick’em James appears confident, calculating and dangerously competent. Fantasy Football James is usually standing beside a questionable IR bound running back, refreshing the injury report and asking why his first-round pick has suddenly been placed on injured reserve.

So, congrats to LtSuessIsLoose.

Quiet now... Shhh, nobody make eye contact in case the curse is in the room with us.

Then... Monday night arrived. Atlanta faced New Orleans, and only three Warrior Poets selected the Falcons:

MasterChief.

Grizzly Bears.

Sutton My Face.

Matt. Willie. Tim.

While the rest of the league marched confidently toward New Orleans, the three brothers summoned their own Category 5 football disaster and aimed it directly at the Superdome. FEMA couldn’t help. The Saints’ defense couldn’t evacuate. And by the time Atlanta finished its 45–24 demolition, Matt, Willie and Tim were being investigated for conspiring to create the worst thing to hit New Orleans since—well… you know.

The Falcons won 45–24.

For Sutton My Face, THE pick he made was especially impressive.

Tim made one pick this week. And Tim got one pick correct.

That is a flawless 100% success rate.

The rest of us required sixteen selections, back and forth decisions, injury reports, stat look ups and varying amounts of alcohol. 

Tim arrived Monday night, fired one perfect arrow directly through the center of the target and walked away.

Efficiency.

Discipline.

Perfection.

No notes.

No fear.

THE WEEK 4 BODY COUNT

Sutton My Face finished 1-for-1, preserving the only undefeated picking percentage in the league.

ShakeNBake and Mike D finished with seven correct picks. Sam’s missed Thursday selection proved costly, while Mike’s Carolina prophecy was not enough to save the rest of his card.

Reese’s Picks and the formerly untouchable Yetty’s Rides Again landed at eight.

The mechanized unicorn has begun making an unusual grinding noise.

MyCouch finished with nine, safely above the wreckage but far enough from the throne that Eamonn should remain on his own couch.

Ommegang reached 10 despite donating Thursday night to the rest of the league. Apparently the Belgian monks overslept after last week’s championship celebration.

Pocketdogs, LtSuessIsLoose, My Ball Zack Ertz and Grizzly Bears formed a respectable four-team traffic jam with 11 correct picks.

MasterChief put up 12, proving that the commissioner occasionally reads the rules to his own competition.

But none of them could stop what was rising from the griddle...

THE CORONATION OF HAMBURQUESOS

High above the league, Yetty’s Rides Again sat upon the frozen throne.

The mechanized unicorn stood watch.

The mountain winds howled.

Then, from the valley below, came the sound of sizzling beef.

Through the mist appeared a monstrous figure—half hamburger, half Spanish love story, half football knowledge and half mystery... 

wearing a crown of toasted sesame seeds and armor forged from molten white queso.

It was, the Hamburquesos. 

Adam climbed the mountain carrying 14 correct picks, missing only New England and Atlanta. The Yetty raised his frozen staff. The mechanized unicorn charged.

But its metal hooves slipped in the queso.

The beast crashed. The throne melted.

And the former king watched helplessly as a cheese-covered hamburger planted its flag at the summit.

With 39 total points, the Hamburquesos have taken possession of first place overall—one point ahead of LtSuessIsLoose, Grizzly Bears and Yetty’s Rides Again.

Adam also wins the Week 4 crown and the $20 prize.

The Yetty has been dethroned. The unicorn has been deep-fried.

And the league now kneels before a hamburger drowning in hot white Mexican cheese.

Long live Hamburquesos.

Long live the Queso King.

Week 3 arrived carrying upsets, backup quarterbacks, last-second heartbreak and enough bad decisions to make us question whether any of us actually watch football... or simply click team names based on color and emotional attachment.

It began Thursday night, when nearly the entire league confidently selected Green Bay over Atlanta.

Nearly.

Reese stood alone with the Falcons. Technically, MyCouch was the only other team that didn’t incorrectly pick Green Bay... but that’s because Eamonn forgot to make a pick altogether. MyCouch didn’t fade the Packers. MyCouch fell asleep before kickoff.

Atlanta then walked into Lambeau and won 35–14. Bijan Robinson ran for 194 yards, Drake London caught another 194 and Reese emerged from the wreckage carrying the smug satisfaction of a man who may have accidentally found tomorrow’s newspaper.

Everyone correctly picked Buffalo over Los Angeles, although the Bills did everything possible to strike down our pick. Buffalo committed 5 turnovers and still won 24–16, but despite the Chargers repeatedly getting the football handed to them, they politely returned it saying, “No, thank you.”

Detroit and Kansas City also delivered the boring, but responsible victories we requested. For one brief moment, the Warrior Poets looked like a group of informed football minds instead of what we are, deep down... just thirteen raccoons fighting over a hotdog on a touchscreen. 

Then Cleveland happened.

Only Pocketdogs and MyCouch correctly selected the Browns over Carolina. Eamonn may have forgotten Thursday existed, but he woke up Sunday morning with the sudden realization that Cleveland was where he needed to place his remaining dignity.

The Browns won 21–18, rewarding the only two people willing to crawl beneath the floorboards of professional football and search for value. 

Mike D was the lone Warrior Poet to select Pittsburgh over Cincinnati. Aaron Rodgers finally rediscovered this plane of reality and the Steelers won 30–27. Mike continued his remarkable climb from the man who submitted two picks in Week 1 to the league’s resident upset whisperer.

From handicrapped to football savant in only two weeks.

Nobody... absolutely nobody... picked Washington over Seattle.

Marcus Mariota relavant-ish again...ish? nah

The Raiders are now 3–0 after beating New Orleans 35–27, having already matched their entire win total from last season and only Reese believed in Vegas.

That gave him two exclusive upset picks in one week. Either Reese has developed a life sized AI football picking robot that is still working out the kinks... wink wink OR he was visited in the night by the ghost of Al Davis, who whispered “Just win, baby” and left behind seven, just seven, correct selections.

ShakeNBake was the only team brave enough to oppose San Francisco and select Arizona. The 49ers won 36–30. Sam stared directly into the oncoming waterbuffalo stampede, and whispered to himself “I like my chances,” then walked directly into their path and Scar blamed it on Simba.

Baltimore defeated Dallas 34–31 on a 56-yard field goal in the final second down in Brazil. The Cowboys traveled roughly 5,000 miles just to discover an exciting new international way to break my heart.

Ommegang, Yetty’s Rides Again, Sutton My Face, Grizzly Bears and Hamburquesos correctly took Baltimore. The rest of us watched Dallas lose in two languages.

Denver’s comeback over Los Angeles was correctly predicted by Yetty’s Rides Again, Mike D, ShakeNBake and MasterChief. It was one of the commish's few correct picks... but when you finish with five, every green square deserves its own participation trophy. 🏆

Then Monday night arrived. Philadelphia entered Chicago as the obvious choice. Most of the Warrior Poets followed obediently.

Ommegang and Mike D did not.

With Caleb Williams injured and his backup only recently clearing concussion protocol, Chicago told 38-year-old third-string quarterback Case Keenum, to stop shopping for compression socks and suit up. Naturally, Keenum threw his white new balances to the side and threw two touchdowns, and ran(yes you read that right) for another and led Chicago to a 27–7 demolition of Philadelphia. 

WEEK 3 BODY COUNT

Yetty’s Rides Again, Pocketdogs, Mike D, Sutton My Face and LtSuessIsLoose formed an overcrowded second-place group with eight correct picks.

ShakeNBake, Reese’s Picks, MyCouch and Grizzly Bears landed at seven. Eamonn achieved this while submitting only fifteen picks, meaning MyCouch performed better after removing one of its cushions. Please dont do that in real life. 

Hamburquesos finished with six, remaining close enough to respectability to avoid a formal investigation.

At the bottom, MasterChief and My Ball Zack Ertz wandered into the same ditch with five correct picks.

But above the wreckage stood Ommegang.

Jenny correctly called 10 correct picks, the best score of Week 3.

The abbey bells rang.

The Belgian ale flowed.

Somewhere in the mist, ancient monks raised their goblets while the mechanized unicorn watched silently from the distant mountains.

Ommegang wins the Week 3 crown and the $20 prize.

Yetty’s Rides Again still guards first place overall from its frozen mountaintop... but this week belonged to Jenny.

Drink deeply, Ommegang.

You earned it.